Mimicry is not Flattery
by Kat Dakuu
Summary: "West, I can't get my pants off!" Prussia screams as he enters his brother's office. Eyes bug out, coffee is dropped, Germany almost chokes to death. But it turns into a real situation because without a doubt, Prussia's pants won't come off. Sorta Germancesty crack.


"Weeest! I can't get my pants off!" The scream reverberated through the office. Multiple coffees tumbled to the floor, eyes bugged out, and Ludwig nearly choked to death. Gilbert ran between the desks as he screamed until he came to his little brother's. He slammed his hands down on top of neat stacks of paper, his eyes frantic.

"W-what?" Ludwig just managed to squeak. He stared back with eyes just as wide and panicked. Everyone else stared too, but Gilbert didn't seem to notice his audience. He pulled back and gestured down to himself. Ludwig caught sight of black shiny pants that looked painted onto his brother's lean muscled legs. The material clung so tight that they even accented his crotch, showing not enough room for a smaller man. Even worse, the button hung open.

"Can't..." Gilbert reiterated as he hooked his thumbs in the waistband. His fingers slipped under the snug fabric barely past the nail tips, illustrating his point. He tugged and shimmied, trying with all his might to wriggle out of the pants right in the middle of the room. Ludwig about died all over again until he realized the pants remained glued on his brother's body. "...get them off."

Ludwig stared. Gilbert stared back, obviously expecting him to come up with some kind of solution. Not possible when Ludwig's soul already vacated his body though. He finally choked out something, no thought included. "What in heaven's name possessed you to put on those...pants?" He hesitated to even call Gilbert's clothing that when they more resembled a pair of tights. How did he even get them on? They looked sewed on and the name of multiple nations eager to 'help' in such a task came to mind.

"Dude, I saw them at Alfred's place and I heard they're all the rage. Women eat this stuff up!"

Somehow Ludwig couldn't follow. "…They like a man who can't get his own pants off?"

Gilbert's eyes flashed before he tossed the stapler at Ludwig. "That's not the point! I didn't plan it this way, idiot brother!" he screeched, his voice going shriller with each note. And Gilbert's voice didn't start out soft in the first place. Ludwig rubbed his chest and placed the stapler back in its place, only sighing. His ability to rise to anger seemed shorted out. Some amount of rational thought did spark in him, enough to point out the obvious anyway.

"Can't…you just unzip them..?" Because dear god, why was this conversation happening in his office? The rational corner of his brain provided a how-to guide for taking off your pants though. Belt, button, zipper…but Gilbert only got through the first two. So, ever helpful, his rational brain pointed this out.

Gilbert's face twisted with fury. "Don't treat me like an idiot! I swear I'm not drunk!" He felt sure he screamed for help with his pants at least once before when drunk so he did specify. Face tinging pink, his anger deflated. "The zipper jammed. And…I really have to pee," Gilbert shifted with discomfort, eyes turned away as his fingers twisted in front of his crotch. He looked so distraught and unsure for a second that Ludwig forgot who stood in front of him. It was just a pair of pants, but Gilbert finally hit a low enough point that even his ego felt crushed. He screwed up _a zipper._ That was pathetic even for him. Ludwig watched with growing horror. Were tears gathering in Gilbert's eyes? Did he have to pee that bad?!

Ludwig surged out of his chair. "Okay really, I'll help!" He frantically searched through his drawers until he came up with a utilitarian pocket knife. He used to carry it on his person in different times, but he felt less comfortable with weapons nearby now. Still, a knife had many uses. Ludwig stared at his brother with a grim expression. Eyes riveted on the knife, Gilbert stepped back.

"Shit…no way, West."

"You have another suggestion?" Gilbert didn't. If he did, he wouldn't be standing at Ludwig's desk with his button undone. Without another word, Ludwig grabbed his arm and started dragging him away.

Gilbert stumbled and winced before gaining his footing, but he still followed at an awkward waddle that left Ludwig more of less dragging him. "Ah! Don't jostle me like that! I'm seriously going to burst!"

Ludwig twitched as he turned bright red for every reason possible. "If you pee here I swear to god I will rebuild the wall!" That got Gilbert to shut up besides a small whine. Ludwig tightened his grip before reaching the bathroom and outright tossing the other man inside. He locked the door behind and advanced on his cowering brother with the knife held at the ready. Gilbert plastered himself to the far wall.

"Hey now…is this a horror movie? Don't use moments like this for revenge!" He exclaimed with each word coming out faster until they tripped over each other. "I'm sorry, West! I didn't mean to scratch your car and that stain under the rug, I swear I'll clean it up…and the confetti too. I know I shouldn't have said Roderick lost the tv remote, but really ah!" Ludwig froze, his blue eyes narrowing into slits. Gilbert bit his tongue. _Shit,_ he didn't know about the car yet? The grip on Ludwig's knife turned from efficient to dangerous. "I'm sorry!" Gilbert wailed.

Ludwig grabbed his brother around the waist and tossed him to the floor. "After I've finished cutting your pants off, you will be explaining to me in detail these instances. Understand?" he growled. His cold voice bit through the air, just as dangerous as the knife he held. Even his eyes looked cold as he searched for an efficient solution and Gilbert did not think it safe to be one of his brother's problems. Ludwig shifted him to find the most direct method of unwrapping. Where he pointed his knife left Gilbert breaking out in a cold sweat.

"Since this is the real problem, shall I cut the zipper off?" Ludwig's mouth twisted in a wicked smirk. It was definitely revenge now.

Gilbert yelped. "Do you see how tight these pants are?! Get the fuck away from there!" He flailed and managed to knee Ludwig in the gut. He brother fell back, wincing because Gilbert did not pull punches where his privates were concerned. "If you cut my dick off, I'm going to mangle you!"

Before he could finish yelling, Ludwig jumped back on top of him. "I'm not going to cut it off if you stay still for a damn second!" Gilbert gasped in pain, but Ludwig managed to pin him on the tiles as sharp metal pressed against his skin. The knife blade nicked a bit and Gilbert stared down in surprise. He really did go still like asked. Ludwig was serious about this?! A second later Gilbert groaned as Ludwig gripped his thigh and started working at the seam around the zipper in quick, but careful motions.

"C-can't you cut the leg seam or something?" Gilbert muttered, turning his head away because he did _not_ want to see it when this went horribly wrong.

Ludwig shook his head. "Nein. This is the quickest route. It's a waste of material otherwise." Oh that was his brother alright—far more concerned with efficiency than Gilbert's possible loss of manhood. A part of him thought Ludwig enjoyed watching him squirm. Gilbert really, _really_ shouldn't have teased him so much.

Gripping his brother's sleeve, Gilbert ground his teeth together. The stare he leveled Ludwig with spoke of warning and a promise of a thousand fires of retribution if he screwed up. "Then hurry up and get these damn things off. I don't even care anymore. I fucking need to pee!"

xXx

Roderick and Elizabeta walked into the office building, arms laden with paperwork and a cake promised one week ago. It didn't take them long to notice the unusual air, too quiet and lacking in work for a German office. Roderick glanced around. "Where's Ludwig?" he asked some poor young sap looking lost near the said man's desk. The office workers looked between themselves, nervous and a few turning red. Eyes darted down a hall and someone finally pointed that way, whispering ' _bathroom_ _'_ in a hoarse voice. Roderick narrowed his eyes, shaking his head at the odd human behavior. He set his things down before a distant cry made him freeze.

"Ah _fuck_ , West!"

The cake nearly tipped over onto the paperwork. Elizabeta's eyes went wide and the two traded looks. They realized a small congregation of curious Germans lurked near the bathroom door and they were starting to understand why. The muffled noises they paid little attention to before now raised in volume. Surely that wasn't…panting?

"Ouch! You did that on purpose! I-I'm sensitive there," Gilbert yelped out again. Whatever they said after that came out too muffled to understand. "Just…hurry the fuck up already, West!"

"I will go as fast as I please now shut up already!" Ludwig snapped back. Despite being a good many yards away from the bathroom, the brothers yelled loud enough for the entire office to hear them. Echoing halls and all. A howl sounded and curses from both brothers. Elizabeta stared down the hall with unblinking eyes, her face bright red. Roderick turned to look at her and his lips pulled together in a slight frown.

" _Elizabeta,_ " he warned. "Do I even want to know what thoughts are going on your head?"

Wordlessly she shook her head with a hand clasped over her mouth. But really, weren't they all thinking it? It wasn't just her imagining…things. Wonderful, inappropriate German things. If Roderick was though, he didn't show it. He grabbed her arm and tried to pull her back out of the office. But they hadn't even gotten to the finale yet! She dug in her heels and ignored Roderick's complaints. If he didn't want to hear his cousins get it on in the bathroom, then that was fine. She did.

"…Just a little more. Oh…oh god yes!" The scream—surely of completion—had even Roderick sweaty under collar, though more likely from discomfort. Elizabeta closed her eyes as she let out a sigh of bliss. Then, after a few seconds more of scrambling and strange noises, Gilbert's voice filled the air again. "Fuck yeah it's glorious to peee~!" he sang. "So good, feels so good!" Elizabeta froze. Wait, what? She shot Roderick a look to figure out if he heard the same thing. He just dragged her back outside at a pace quite unsuited to his normal leisureliness.

"Don't say it," he snapped. Roderick couldn't stop her from thinking it though. _Those Germans had some serious kinks._

Later when back at home, Elizabeta twisted her hair around a finger as she called the first person she could think of. "So Francis…I heard something interesting at Germany's place today…"

xXx

The second Ludwig walked into the meeting, every eye turned to him. He swallowed hard, feeling a rush of nerves take hold. Of course, he didn't show this other than a hesitation in his step. "Good morning," he murmured as he neared the table. The loitering nations parted to let him past as if he were a plague. Hushed whispers and stares pointed his way…and he had no idea what he did to receive them.

Francis' face gave him the first hint. Even across the room, Ludwig heard the other man snicker as he outright leered. Arthur stammered during a conversation, turning bright red despite talking to Vash and Ludwig knew nothing that man said would induce a blush. Ludwig felt himself grow warm under all the stares.

Alfred skipped up to Ludwig, waving with a jovial smile splitting his face just like usual. Ludwig really shouldn't feel surprised that he broke the hush first. Unfortunately, the youth had nothing usual to say. "Wow Germany, you're really impressive fucking your brother in the bathroom. Incest and urine play…woah that's some heavy stuff!" Alfred whistled. Before Ludwig could even _think_ what-the-hell, the younger blonde grabbed his hands in an excited shake. "But whatever floats your boat they say. So like, good luck with your relationship and all. I don't envy you your partner!"

Ludwig met Alfred's dazzling smile with a bewildered expression. A few more snickers filled the room due to the American's forwardness. No, no…Ludwig needed to stop this now _._ "W-wha? We…aren't…I did no such thing," Ludwig protested. Or tried to protest anyway. His tongue got tied and no one paid his words any attention. "Did you say urine play?!" He added on with a squeak. What the hell was going on?

Feliks, who had been watching this affair like a shark-eyed paparazzi, chose then to step forward. He dropped a hand onto Ludwig's shoulder with a grin that could have been friendliness or the opposite. "Like, no need to deny it buddy. Everyone heard your brother getting totally hot and bothered. Oh faster brother…uhn…I'm so sensitive!" Feliks moaned in a flighty voice that sounded nothing like Gilbert. Shit, why was he critiquing that part?

Still gasping for breath, Ludwig slammed his hands onto the table. "You've got it all wrong! Me and Brother are not and have never been sexually involved! Those things you heard were just…we were-!" Ludwig's face twisted as he imagined how the truth would sound. He'd been pinning his brother to the bathroom floor, cutting off his pants as Gilbert moaned and screamed underneath him. Because brothers helped their senile elders like this. Yep, he could go without saying that. Images of him on top of Gilbert flashed in Ludwig's mind. It even _looked_ like they said. Every protest died in his throat as he turned the brightest shade of red.

Francis' mouth twisted into a smirk as he nodded once. "Exactly. Me and Arthur would love to welcome you to the rank of pervert. Congratulations!"

"What the hell?! That freak is not welcome near me!" Arthur snapped back. He grabbed Alfred's arm and started dragging him away. "And you are not allowed near him either. If he will go after his own brother, then none of us may be safe!"

Alfred tilted his head to consider the other man's words. "Oh…I thought the pee thing was pretty weird. Don't know if Francis got that part right, but I mean Gilbert is…ah! Okay okay, I'll stay away from them!" Alfred yelped as Arthur smacked him upside the head. But really, weren't they all brothers to some degree?

Until now, Ludwig stayed frozen as he sagged against the table. Barely breathing and flushed, he stood there like a broken robot. It took a minute but something fizzled down into his fried brain. Francis? Ludwig whipped his head around to glare pure hell at the man. "Why did you tell them we were doing…in the…" He couldn't bring himself to say the words. "How did you even know about that?!"

Francis shuffled back with a visible wince. He jabbed a finger at Elizabeta who watched everything while doodling on the back of a document. "She called me! I don't know anything about it so if you're going to hurt someone, blame her!" he exclaimed, holding his hands up in defense. Elizabeta glanced at them with a dazed smile.

"I only said exactly what I heard," she hummed. Ludwig caught sight of her drawing and his eyes bugged. Letting out a howl, he snatched it away and crumpled the scene that most definitely did not happen. No…no. They should know it wasn't like….

"Fuck me harder~!" Feliks cried out, his voice rising over all the other commotion. Vaguely, Ludwig heard Toris tell him not to be vulgar. He was cracking though, his heart rate doubling as panic rose in him. Only a strangled noise passed his lips. Before he realized it, Ludwig was tearing out of the conference room. He skidded through the halls and threw himself into his office, slamming the door shut behind. With fumbling fingers, he dialed Gilbert's phone. By the time his brother picked up, Ludwig calmed himself enough to speak.

"What's up, West? Don't you have a meeting right now? That's so irre-"

"Brother!" Ludwig cut in. He dragged in a deep breath and just said it, no introduction. "…the world is for some reason under the impression we had…" Here his voice strangled even more. "… _sex_ yesterday. In the bathroom. Please tell me this isn't your fault." He didn't really think Gilbert would create such an event just to humiliate him, but he didn't believe a lot of the things Gilbert did. Ludwig long since ceased to analyze the older man's actions for the sake of his sanity. A long silence served as his answer. Too long for Ludwig to stand for. "Did you hear me? Sex!"

Gilbert coughed. "Who started a rumor like that?!" His voice sounded almost as choked as Ludwig's. He coughed a few more times, obviously having been interrupted while eating. He waited a little longer, but Ludwig didn't take back the joke. "Great Fritz, you're serious! Oh…god. Why?!"

"Elizabeta…heard us…"

Gilbert groaned. "This is your fault for cutting my pants _there_!"

Anger flashed through Ludwig again, riding on the heels of panic. "You shouldn't have put them on in the first place!" he yelled back. How could any of this be his fault? Gilbert…it was definitely Gilbert and those retched pants' fault.

"Ah…shit. But we can work with this." Gilbert may be right about a great many things, but Ludwig didn't understand how he could be right about that. "At least if the world thinks I'm with you, Francis will stop making passes at me." Because for all of his eagerness, Francis would not try to take something that belonged to Ludwig of all people. He wasn't that stupid. Yep, totally a great idea.

A light rap on the door stopped Ludwig from yelling at his brother more. He glanced up as Feliciano poked his head inside. "Um…Ludsy, are you hiding?" he asked, looking hesitant to come inside despite often butting in where not invited. Ludwig wanted to disappear into the floor and his expression must have said as much. Feliciano slipped in and pressed the door closed. He added his own nervous energy to the room so that the air felt ready to burst with it.

"I told them not to tease you so much!" the little Italian finally burst out with. "Lovi helped…I think. Aren't I good? You looked so uncomfortable and I know you don't like to talk about your private things." Feliciano smiled hopefully, but Ludwig couldn't manage to return the gesture. Gilbert chattered in his ear, trying to figure out who was there. Ludwig didn't respond to either of them. Feliciano pointed at the phone. "Big brother?" Ludwig gave a terse nod. "Um…but are you that unsettled by your relationship with him?"

Ludwig groaned and dropped his head onto the table. Gilbert asked if he was having a heart attack and needed him to call an ambulance. Ludwig smacked his head onto the desk again. "Shut up, brother." He raised his eyes then, looking at Feliciano with a watery, half-hearted glare. "Not you too!"

Feliciano jumped. "I'm sorry! But it's true isn't it? I mean…even if you weren't doing anything in the bathroom, I know you both so well and you're good for each other!" he exclaimed before his expression shifted into a warm smile. "I'm really happy because I think you both looked so lonely back then. I tried real hard to fill that loneliness, but don't you see? Even if I couldn't do anything, it's all gone now!" Feliciano rocked back on his heels with his hands clasped behind his back. He tilted his head and flashed his brightest smile. "Right?"

Ludwig's ear filled with noise again. "Fucking say you're a pervert already! This is for the sake of my ass!" Gilbert yelled. "And tell me, why did you never tap that angel?!"

Ludwig squeezed his eyes shut. _Say it_ _…_ _say it already you coward_ , he chided himself. It was for their best to lie. Ludwig was no pervert though. And then Feliciano had to go and make the misunderstanding serious. Lonely? He didn't even know anymore. He just wanted this to be over with. Opening his eyes again, Ludwig forced a smile onto his face. Muscles twitched in his jaw. One eyelid fluttered madly above the manic bright stare of his eyes.

"…Gilbert says he's happy you support us."


End file.
